Grieving the shit and the glimmers.
Releasing lingering grief around a lifetime of C-PTSD, family estrangement, and three years of rapid change.
It’s been just under 9 months since I left for Hawaii.
That length of time feels very apropos since I feel like I’m giving birth to myself right now.
The new me. Whoever she is. She’s not quite out yet, but I can’t wait to meet her.
Although I’m a bit nervous, too, knowing that I need to fully nurture, protect, initiate, and empower this new version of myself.
“Can I really do it? Do I really got this?”
I can. I do. I still have work to do. But I will get there.
And I will one day get to writing the full story about why and how I left my life on the east coast and everything that’s happened in-between, but that’s not this post.
Today’s post is a few words on grief.
Because that’s been the theme of this week, and really, for the past few weeks, as I’ve realized.
Just layer after layer wanting to be felt and shed. Culminating in a week where anything I hadn’t yet faced came barreling into my brain like:
“Look at me. Look. Look! Look at me so you can FEEL me. If you don’t feel me, your heart won’t fully heal. Do you want a cracked heart or a whole heart? Do you want to feel some love sometimes or all love all the time? That’s what I thought.”
So I faced it on the bathroom floor, and I sobbed the tears, and I prayed the prayers, and I typed the words. And I kept doing it all day long.
An excerpt from this morning’s brain dump (heart dump?):
“Grief is not defeat.
Grieving what you’ve lost, even if what you’ve lost was shit wrapped in gold, is still necessary.
Even if you’re grieving what you no longer want but maybe wanted for a time. Or didn’t want at the time, but it brought some kind of comfort and familiarity.
What are all of the things that I’m grieving?”
And then I wrote a list.
It included experiences I haven’t yet spoken about. People and places from my past. Things I’ll never do again. Even though I don’t even want to do them again. And pain in others that I wish I could take away.
And grieving it all was and is so needed. And will continue to be.
Because looking at the list, it’s like, okay, that was real. That happened. That was part of my old life. A lot sucked. But there were glimmers of good. And I need to grieve them.
Because those glimmers were the glue that held me in place. Until I realized that I deserve more than just flickers and flashes of light.
I deserve the whole fucking sun.
– Malana
Recommended Resource:
I’m very discerning when it comes to experts who’re part of the “Hollywood crowd,” but I have to say that this interview about surviving incest (or ‘intergenerational trauma’ as it’s titled) hosted by Dr. Ramani with her guest Kimberly Shannon Murphy was one of the most satisfying conversations I’ve ever listened to.
The interview touched on childhood sexual abuse, narcissistic abuse, family secrets, breaking the cycle, family estrangement, the GRIEF of leaving behind siblings, nieces, and nephews, and so much more.
The validation this woman received from Dr. Ramani regarding her abuses was provided with so much emphasis and empathy. To have a real-life conversation with someone who’s willing to listen to and validate that your abuses were, in fact, traumatic and that you have a right and a NEED to grieve and heal AWAY from the people who perpetrated and/or enabled them is a gift so many women never receive. (I know what it’s like to receive this gift after feeling silenced for so long, and I will be forever grateful for it.)
It was acknowledged that most who choose to go no contact are SHAMED, yet in reality, it’s one of the most COURAGEOUS actions a person could ever take, and that it is actually THE best way to heal from narcissistic abuse. (Which I, personally, can attest to and only gained the courage to do after turning to Jesus and going through the healing programs of my spiritual teacher Liana Shanti.)
Dr. Ramani validated to her guest that it’s basically a miracle that she’s still here and just how traumatic it is in and of itself when a victim’s abuse is denied. (It really is.)
Just a truly wonderful interview. So many parallels to my own life and so many other women I know. I highly recommend for anyone processing any of the themes above.
❤️
Thank you for writing this! I will def be checking out the interview later. That surreal feeling of grieving and blossoming is so real ❤️
I love reading about your glimmers in the grief. Thanks for sharing your heart dump here.
And... yes, you so got this!